That’s Me In The Corner…

…losing my religion.

(To be fair, I never really had a “religion” to lose.   My parents, in their infinate wisdom, did what many did in those days and had me christened.  but given that I was still in nappies I had little choice and would certainly refuse if given the choice now.  “I’m a Believer” is nothing more than a line imortalised by the original and now legendary boy band The Monkees).

When my boys were young I would make the most outrageous promises to every Deity out there. *  I would do anything she wanted if only she would make my children sleep past 5am.  Those boys are now 12 and 9 and God(s) have finally listened as every morning I have to crowbar them out of bed.  Really God(s), if you want to arrest the decline in the number of believers out there you MUST learn to deliver faster.  After all you’re not Royal Mail are you?

I also assume, God(s),  that despite your tardiness you now expect me to promptly keep my side of the bargain or suffer the consequences of being struck by lightning, or a plague of diving footballers or something?  As you say in your biography:  “When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay”. **   Well it’s too damned late – I broke all those promises years ago.  Although, in the case of at least two of them, not for a while sadly…

Incidentally what’s with this promise lark?  I could have a life of purity and chastity etc. and upon death find my rightful place in Heaven.  fair enough.  Equally I could have a life of drunken debauchery and after one good death bed confession end up in the same Heaven.  Doesn’t really encourage one to behave does it?

And “omnipresence”?  God is supposed to be omnipresent so where the hell (sic) was she when I was choosing the lottery numbers?  And where was she when Audi were failing to put working indicators on their Q7 ULV?  And indeed, why has nobody asked me what a ULV actually  is?

Someone once stopped me in the street and tried to sell me the concept of God.  Unusually for me I gave him a couple of minutes and that has stayed with me, and still annoys me, to this day.  His theme was the power of prayer which, to be fair, puts him on a very sticky wicket with me.  The following is from Matthew:
Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
So what shall I “ask” God to do first?  Protect Children from harm?  Cure cancer?  Get England to win the World Cup?  (OK, I accept that’s going a bit too far.  Some things are beyond a simple miracle).  Realistically a prayer is just something offered up by Hypocritical footballers when their latest attempt at cheating goes unnoticed and unpunished.

Wherever I go I frequently hear people talking about God.  My first thought was that with an unusual surname like Dammit she would be easy to find.  I tried 118118 but all I got from them was David Bedford.  He was quick in his day but he was no Deity.

I personally find it difficult to believe in someone or something not tangible ( that is negotiable if the winning of the 2015 Rugby World Cup can be arranged).  However if someone knocks on my door and gives me Gods phone number I may reconsider.

And finally:  “I don’t know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn’t”. ~Jules Renard

* As an aside here, this in itself confuses me as the two truly religious people I know would say there is only one god.  Yet they practice different religions, One is Catholic and one is Muslim and both will quote contradictory scripture at each other all day.  I am pleased to say that they are very good friends.

**  It’s in the Bible – look it up!

STOP PRESS:  Just been struck by a house brick from The Heavens.  Attached message reads: “I do exist. I am on Twitter.  Love, light and Peace. God”.   @TheTweetOfGod
God Dammit – The Deity for the 21st century

Final question:  Is this poster an argument that God exists or that God doesn’t?  Answers on a postcard to you local Church or Temple.

Other places of worship are available.


For  more Jules Renard pearls of wisdom try:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s